A Moment of reflection.
Freshman Year
Remember:
I began my year at Western Washington University with a buzz of excitement that was soon to be fizzled out. As a first generation college student, my expectations of school were based solely on friend’s experiences, movie portrayals, and advisor’s guidance. These skewed expectations paired with a long distance relationship made for a miserable year. Thinking back, I remember three standouts from my time at WWU: being unbelievably cold, smoking entirely too much weed and feeling an overwhelming sense of loneliness and isolation.
I had come from a community in which I was heavily involved, well known and regarded, and recognized. The transition to ‘just another college student’ was more difficult than I ever could have imagined and it sent me into a two year slump. My lack of direction and connections wore on my ability to focus, and for the first time in my life I found myself not excelling in academics. Moveover, there were many days in which I wouldn’t even leave my dorm (this was partially due to that fact that Bellingham is FREEZING).
Towards the end of the year I got a job working at McDonalds and was able to recognize a few faces on campus. I also began working out in preparation for my first long backpacking trip, which greatly improved my demeanor. These few things did manage to bring a small light into a dark time, but it wouldn’t be until the middle of my Junior year that I’d finally shake the seeded depression.
Reflect:
It’s somewhat difficult looking back on a period of prolonged sadness and taking the woes seriously. How could I have let myself slip into a seemingly ridiculous slump when I had opportunity peeking around every corner? What was really stopping me from jumping into the Western atmosphere that captivates so many other young achievers? As I consider that time and the proceeding events, I am thankful for the experience of having faced such isolation and know that it will only make me more successful as I move forward. I have tried the ‘sitting around doing nothing but wallowing in my sadness’ route, and it doesn’t work. Some things have to be learned from experience I guess.
I began my year at Western Washington University with a buzz of excitement that was soon to be fizzled out. As a first generation college student, my expectations of school were based solely on friend’s experiences, movie portrayals, and advisor’s guidance. These skewed expectations paired with a long distance relationship made for a miserable year. Thinking back, I remember three standouts from my time at WWU: being unbelievably cold, smoking entirely too much weed and feeling an overwhelming sense of loneliness and isolation.
I had come from a community in which I was heavily involved, well known and regarded, and recognized. The transition to ‘just another college student’ was more difficult than I ever could have imagined and it sent me into a two year slump. My lack of direction and connections wore on my ability to focus, and for the first time in my life I found myself not excelling in academics. Moveover, there were many days in which I wouldn’t even leave my dorm (this was partially due to that fact that Bellingham is FREEZING).
Towards the end of the year I got a job working at McDonalds and was able to recognize a few faces on campus. I also began working out in preparation for my first long backpacking trip, which greatly improved my demeanor. These few things did manage to bring a small light into a dark time, but it wouldn’t be until the middle of my Junior year that I’d finally shake the seeded depression.
Reflect:
It’s somewhat difficult looking back on a period of prolonged sadness and taking the woes seriously. How could I have let myself slip into a seemingly ridiculous slump when I had opportunity peeking around every corner? What was really stopping me from jumping into the Western atmosphere that captivates so many other young achievers? As I consider that time and the proceeding events, I am thankful for the experience of having faced such isolation and know that it will only make me more successful as I move forward. I have tried the ‘sitting around doing nothing but wallowing in my sadness’ route, and it doesn’t work. Some things have to be learned from experience I guess.
Sophomore Year
Remember:
Proceeded by a summer filled with mangos, sunblock, and debauchery that was all a result of my having lived in Hawaii with my father-- a decision for which I am forever grateful, for reasons that will soon become apparent-- Sophomore year was fated to be a complete and utter emotional, disaster.
To start, I made the ignorant and silly choice to transfer to North Seattle Community College and move into an apartment in the University District with my high school boyfriend. Basically, I did everything you’re told not to do. As two emotionally undeveloped young adults with no friends and little motivation, we were ill equipped to manage the difficulties of cohabitation and our relationship imploded.
The year progressed and his nighttime ‘bowl and mixed drink’ turned into daily inebriation. I threw myself into school, work, and volunteer coaching to keep out of the apartment, and slowly gained the courage to branch out. Eventually, three things happened in tandem that served to propel my life in the right direction: I discovered and applied for CEP, I began work as a canvasser for Environment Washington, and I was hired on as a sports coach for Green Lake Community Center. With my self-esteem on the rise and a newfound sense of financial and academic security, I was getting closer and closer to setting myself in the right direction.
The moment finally arrived, and it was everything I had expected. I came home one night to find him laying on the ground next to our potted dieffenbachia in shambles, drenched in his own urine. As I entered the room he proceed to crawl towards me in a drunken haze and splutter out comments on my beauty. A few times before he had sparked inside me feelings of weariness for my safety, but never to this extent. I quickly disentangled myself from him, grabbed my phone and called his mom in Oak Harbor. She was there within two hours and by the next morning he was moved into a new dorm on campus and I was left alone in our one bedroom apartment.
Reflect:
Wow, what a year. Similar to my reflection on Freshman year, it’s odd to consider the gravity of emotion as I look back. It’s easy to downplay what was going on and insist that I had everything under control, but in reality I was entirely out of my league in dealing with that relationship and living situation. Each day I dealt with emotional abuse and served it back in turn. Together we had morphed into people we hated and this only made us hold onto our love for the other person with greater intensity because we knew if we let that go, we’d be forced to look back on ourselves and what we had become.
Through all of this, I soared academically. Community College was not easier than my university experience, rather, in an attempt to escape my home life I dedicated as much time and energy into others things as I possibly could. This also led me to two jobs that have served to greatly impact my work ethic and leadership skills. Coaching at such a young age, I was faced head on by sexism and work related inequity. Canvassing had it’s own particular brand of ‘put down the young girl,’ and from both of these experiences I have become a stronger and more confident person.
Proceeded by a summer filled with mangos, sunblock, and debauchery that was all a result of my having lived in Hawaii with my father-- a decision for which I am forever grateful, for reasons that will soon become apparent-- Sophomore year was fated to be a complete and utter emotional, disaster.
To start, I made the ignorant and silly choice to transfer to North Seattle Community College and move into an apartment in the University District with my high school boyfriend. Basically, I did everything you’re told not to do. As two emotionally undeveloped young adults with no friends and little motivation, we were ill equipped to manage the difficulties of cohabitation and our relationship imploded.
The year progressed and his nighttime ‘bowl and mixed drink’ turned into daily inebriation. I threw myself into school, work, and volunteer coaching to keep out of the apartment, and slowly gained the courage to branch out. Eventually, three things happened in tandem that served to propel my life in the right direction: I discovered and applied for CEP, I began work as a canvasser for Environment Washington, and I was hired on as a sports coach for Green Lake Community Center. With my self-esteem on the rise and a newfound sense of financial and academic security, I was getting closer and closer to setting myself in the right direction.
The moment finally arrived, and it was everything I had expected. I came home one night to find him laying on the ground next to our potted dieffenbachia in shambles, drenched in his own urine. As I entered the room he proceed to crawl towards me in a drunken haze and splutter out comments on my beauty. A few times before he had sparked inside me feelings of weariness for my safety, but never to this extent. I quickly disentangled myself from him, grabbed my phone and called his mom in Oak Harbor. She was there within two hours and by the next morning he was moved into a new dorm on campus and I was left alone in our one bedroom apartment.
Reflect:
Wow, what a year. Similar to my reflection on Freshman year, it’s odd to consider the gravity of emotion as I look back. It’s easy to downplay what was going on and insist that I had everything under control, but in reality I was entirely out of my league in dealing with that relationship and living situation. Each day I dealt with emotional abuse and served it back in turn. Together we had morphed into people we hated and this only made us hold onto our love for the other person with greater intensity because we knew if we let that go, we’d be forced to look back on ourselves and what we had become.
Through all of this, I soared academically. Community College was not easier than my university experience, rather, in an attempt to escape my home life I dedicated as much time and energy into others things as I possibly could. This also led me to two jobs that have served to greatly impact my work ethic and leadership skills. Coaching at such a young age, I was faced head on by sexism and work related inequity. Canvassing had it’s own particular brand of ‘put down the young girl,’ and from both of these experiences I have become a stronger and more confident person.
Junior Year
Remember:
If I were to accurately describe this year, it would be an ode to my love for Peyton. Nine months of my perspective have been completed fogged over by an infatuation that has developed into a complete devotion, and though it would be more true-to-self to thoroughly describe every love-eyed moment in this reflection, i’ll simply leave it at this short intro.
Academically, CEP pushed me in a way I had yet to experience. Being accountable to an entire class as opposed to just myself was more motivating than I could have imagined, and the sense of community it instilled in all of us has carried our class through the past two years. Each morning before class we would all be huddled around the printer in the digis, watching the clock and counting the moments left until we were officially late. Every Sunday night I’d find the same handful of people finishing up their assignment, blurry eyed but persistent. After class we would linger, chatting with our 301 half and sneaking peeks at Evan’s group as they quietly dispersed. And then came 302.
Nothing brings people together more than a mutual distaste for something. We all respected our professors as capable and kind human beings, but as teachers, they came up rather short. Our Facebook group wall was plastered with memes depicting our frustrations and all post class discussion evolved around what we disliked about lecture. The class divide that lingered from our previous halving was bridged by resentment, and the bonds formed that winter in the digi commons are forever ingrained in our CEP shared experience.
After two quarters of being closed in together as a cohort we were happy to enjoy the relaxed atmosphere that was 303. Sure, expectations were often unclear and group projects strained the patience of us all, but for the most part Spring Quarter was a steady finale to a great academic year.
Reflect:
I was immediately taken with our program and haven’t looked back since the first day. Entering the University of Washington after two intensely negative years of schooling, our community was exactly what I needed to regain my joie de vivre. It truly has been the connections and experiences that have propelled me in my career and academically.
Just reading the difference between my previous years’ reflections, I am struck by the change in writing style. Junior year is riddled with ‘we’s’ and ‘ours.’ This is a testament to how strongly I feel about our cohort as a collective group. It also seemed odd that I left out all personal occurrences that happened during junior year. By no means was it a calm year, emotionally. Again, I think the difference is that I finally had a community and people to rely on when things became difficult. When I think of that time in my life, it’s not the hardships that I remember but rather the joy and excitement. For reference, below is a list of shitty/intense/wonderful things that happened last year:
If I were to accurately describe this year, it would be an ode to my love for Peyton. Nine months of my perspective have been completed fogged over by an infatuation that has developed into a complete devotion, and though it would be more true-to-self to thoroughly describe every love-eyed moment in this reflection, i’ll simply leave it at this short intro.
Academically, CEP pushed me in a way I had yet to experience. Being accountable to an entire class as opposed to just myself was more motivating than I could have imagined, and the sense of community it instilled in all of us has carried our class through the past two years. Each morning before class we would all be huddled around the printer in the digis, watching the clock and counting the moments left until we were officially late. Every Sunday night I’d find the same handful of people finishing up their assignment, blurry eyed but persistent. After class we would linger, chatting with our 301 half and sneaking peeks at Evan’s group as they quietly dispersed. And then came 302.
Nothing brings people together more than a mutual distaste for something. We all respected our professors as capable and kind human beings, but as teachers, they came up rather short. Our Facebook group wall was plastered with memes depicting our frustrations and all post class discussion evolved around what we disliked about lecture. The class divide that lingered from our previous halving was bridged by resentment, and the bonds formed that winter in the digi commons are forever ingrained in our CEP shared experience.
After two quarters of being closed in together as a cohort we were happy to enjoy the relaxed atmosphere that was 303. Sure, expectations were often unclear and group projects strained the patience of us all, but for the most part Spring Quarter was a steady finale to a great academic year.
Reflect:
I was immediately taken with our program and haven’t looked back since the first day. Entering the University of Washington after two intensely negative years of schooling, our community was exactly what I needed to regain my joie de vivre. It truly has been the connections and experiences that have propelled me in my career and academically.
Just reading the difference between my previous years’ reflections, I am struck by the change in writing style. Junior year is riddled with ‘we’s’ and ‘ours.’ This is a testament to how strongly I feel about our cohort as a collective group. It also seemed odd that I left out all personal occurrences that happened during junior year. By no means was it a calm year, emotionally. Again, I think the difference is that I finally had a community and people to rely on when things became difficult. When I think of that time in my life, it’s not the hardships that I remember but rather the joy and excitement. For reference, below is a list of shitty/intense/wonderful things that happened last year:
- I realized and came to terms with my sexuality
- Peyton and I went to Ecuador on a whim
- my dad was arrested for a DUI and cocaine possession the night we flew out for Ecuador
- a close friend was sexaully assulted after walking home alone from a party we were all at
- I made lifelong friends
- my mom and I had a four month falling out
- I became an aunt
- my ex-boyfriend attempted to win me back by publically serenading me in Sylvan Grove and the blue painted footsteps that led me to this occasion were the talk of the ENTIRE SCHOOL
- I was introduced to Peyton’s very religious family as her significant other
- AJ joined the National Guard and was a four month penpal
- Peyton’s ex-boyfriend began (low-key) stalking me and appeared entirely too often to tell me he still loved her
- I hiked 7 miles in 12 degree weather at 11PM on December 26th along a dark Montana highway after a disastrous fight with my family
Senior Year
Remember:
Eight days before Peyton and I were set to fly out for a three week European adventure, pre-study abroad, my dad died in an electrocution accident on the job. The timing couldn’t have been worse. My brother’s girlfriend was finally getting ready to leave him after four years of attempting to cure is alcoholism/depression, and the plan was to send him off to Hawaii where my dad could (sort of) watch over him. I did what I could to help settle the various accounts and such, but unfortunately, news of his death spread quickly around the island and it wasn’t long before his safe with all business related paperwork was broken into and raided. Jake and I were left with no documentation of his affairs and the construction business was in limbo. I flew out for Amsterdam with grief in my heart and a sense of terrifying instability.
My time in Berlin is still somewhat indescribable. On the one hand, I was flying to new cities each weekend and feasting on all they had to offer. On the other hand, Trump was winning in the polls, Peyton was thousands of miles away, my best friend (on whom I rely for all things in life) was in India and could only message me once a week, our study program was a huge disappointment, my brother was calling me every other day threatening suicide, and throughout all of this I was coming to terms with the fact that my dad is forever gone. Without Alison, I doubt I would have lasted the quarter.
Reflect:
Once again, I am forever thankful for our CEP community. Returning home to all the familiar and loving faces is everything I needed and more. My partnership with Alison has continually kept me pushing forward and the comfort of Gould Hall has been enough to revive the residual bits of perseverance left in me. I am not overly proud of my final few quarters, but taking into context all that has happened leaves me feeling content knowing that I will finish as the first in my family with a college degree.
Eight days before Peyton and I were set to fly out for a three week European adventure, pre-study abroad, my dad died in an electrocution accident on the job. The timing couldn’t have been worse. My brother’s girlfriend was finally getting ready to leave him after four years of attempting to cure is alcoholism/depression, and the plan was to send him off to Hawaii where my dad could (sort of) watch over him. I did what I could to help settle the various accounts and such, but unfortunately, news of his death spread quickly around the island and it wasn’t long before his safe with all business related paperwork was broken into and raided. Jake and I were left with no documentation of his affairs and the construction business was in limbo. I flew out for Amsterdam with grief in my heart and a sense of terrifying instability.
My time in Berlin is still somewhat indescribable. On the one hand, I was flying to new cities each weekend and feasting on all they had to offer. On the other hand, Trump was winning in the polls, Peyton was thousands of miles away, my best friend (on whom I rely for all things in life) was in India and could only message me once a week, our study program was a huge disappointment, my brother was calling me every other day threatening suicide, and throughout all of this I was coming to terms with the fact that my dad is forever gone. Without Alison, I doubt I would have lasted the quarter.
Reflect:
Once again, I am forever thankful for our CEP community. Returning home to all the familiar and loving faces is everything I needed and more. My partnership with Alison has continually kept me pushing forward and the comfort of Gould Hall has been enough to revive the residual bits of perseverance left in me. I am not overly proud of my final few quarters, but taking into context all that has happened leaves me feeling content knowing that I will finish as the first in my family with a college degree.